Author Topic: The Great Unwashed !  (Read 1936 times)

Offline Silver Fox

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The Great Unwashed !
« on: February 16, 2013, 09:38:34 AM »

'Booty call' = Calling on a Lady for Sex.
'Dedder; = Dead person.
'Bruisers' = Bodyguards.
'Shadz' = Gardai.
'Outstanding' = Outstanding Warrants for his Arrest.
'Jack' = Jack Daniels Whiskey.
'Neat' = A straight Alcohol drink, No mixer.
'by the Neck' = Straight from the bottle.


The Great Unwashed !  
Four Dooblin Taxi drivers went out one Sunday afternoon fer a Few pints;
Gerry, (The Great Unwashed), Late-thirties, semi-literate from Ballymun.

Frankie, (Frank de Sociopath or F.D.S.), Mid-forties, part time Undertaker,
always wears a Shiny Black suit with even Shinier Black shoes.

Marto, Mid-forties, A Nordie, Mysterious past.

Tony, Late-forties, drives a Taxi Mini-bus, emigrated to some Bog county
starting with an L a few years previously with his then very young family.

The Four lads went to the 'Cat and Cage' Pub in Drumcondra to watch the
'Dubs' match on the box, it was only a League game against Cork, but there
is an intense GAA rivalry between the Two counties, all the boys were in
great spirits, or at least they were until Cork bate them by a goal.
Tony and Marto baled out after the GAA match, both saying that they were
going for a lie-down before starting their Night shifts but everyone knew
they were both going off on different 'Booty calls', but nothing was said.
Gerry and FDS stayed on to watch United against Chelsea coming up on
Sky T.V. The pints were flowing and the craic was good, United beat
Chelsea 2-1 with a late goal in the Twenty-third minute of injury time.
Next up on the Telly was Phil 'The Power' Taylor playing 'Barnie' in the Darts,
sure ya couldn't leave now and the pair stay sat at the bar 'Supping'.
Two other men are sat at the bar next to Gerry and FDS, A Bald middle-aged
man and an Elder Pony-tailed gent, Both wearing Orange Tops and shouting
on for Barnie, Gerry is rooting for Phil the Power Taylor to win.
FDS doesn't give a Shite, just keeping his eye on the bar area, in case any
Fooker gets a Heart Attack and Dies so as he'd be the First in for the
Dedder Job !
As the Darts match drew to a climax, all Four men were seated together,
FDS noticed that both his new companions at the bar counter were Gay.
Gerry noticed that it was FDS's call.
The Darts match finished, Phil the Power had won through and all Four
Drunken Comrades sat around talking Horseshit about everything and anything,
Gerry didn't realise that the Two men were actually Gay's 'On the Pull',
FDS knew, he didn't like Gay's at all, actually FDS didn't like anyone, so disliking
Gay's was just adding to his Misanthropy of disliking the entire human race.
As they sat there Supping, watching the T.V. and generally just having a Laff,
Two young Caucasian men, very smartly dressed in top of the Range Designer
gear arrive in the bar next to them, both with a nice 'Floosie' each on their arms,
they order Drinks at the bar in a Strange accent, Gerry twigs it as South-African,
a strange accent, to hear a White man speak with a Black mans tone.
Following them in to the bar is Two 'Bruisers', keeping a discreet distance.
Gerry sees only the Floosies and wonders how to part them from their Jockeys.
FDS sees it all, most likely Two South-African Diplomats Sons/Toy-boys under
Irish Diplomatic Immunity, which generally translates to 'UNPROSECUTABLE',
he also sees the bulges in the underarm's of the Bruisers jackets,
both Semi-legally armed to protect their clients.
The Foursome join Gerry's crew at the bar, as the Craic seems to be good,
with the Bruisers rudely pushing two snogging couples from their table in
order to be seated close to their clients.
A Drunken Gerry leads the Banter with his Tall Taxi tales having everyone
in fit's of Laughter, everyone seemed to be having a great time,
Fact was;
Gerry was Pissed and just Happy to be Pissed.
FDS had a few too many and was uncomfortable with Any new company.
The Two Gay men were on the Prowl for Fresh Meat,
the Elder Pony-tailed man fancied FDS and the Bald man fancied Gerry.
The Two South-African men were enjoying the Chat and Craic,
and looking forward to an Easy Score later on And then Dump the Floosies.
The Two Floosies were going along with whatever was happening and
hoping to Marry one of the Lads or just get 'Preggers' and be 'Quids in' !
As closing time approached things got out of hand. One of the Floosies had
gone over to sit on Gerry's lap and Gerry, being Gerry had 'Dropped de Hand',
the Floosie was so adamant to show her new intended husband how shocked
she was, she whacked poor ol Gerry straight across the face.
The older Gay man with the Pony-tail took the opportunity of the incident
to put his hand Suggestivly on a drunken FDS's inner thigh.
The Two Bruisers were on the scene in an instant, to refrain the Floosie and
Protect their clients, as one of the Bruisers leant across Frankie,
FDS whipped his gun from his under-arm holster inside his jacket,
pointed it straight at the head of the Gay man who had dared to touch him up
and pulled the trigger, fortunately the gun was very high calibre and the recoil
was too much for a Drunken Frankie, so the bullet whizzed through the hair of
Frankie's intended target, leaving his pony tail and most of his hair in tatters all
over the bar floor, the Bruiser retrieved his Gun, impulsed that another man had
taken his weapon and knowing that he was most likely under Immunity,
he shot Frankie Twice in the chest at point blank range, FDS fell to the floor.
Pub staff members were trying to tend to Frankie's wounds, but he wouldn't let
them near him, shouting at them, "Fook off aways from miz, yis shower a Kounts",
Unbelievably FDS stood up and Strode from the bar, oblivious of his wounds
and looking down to check his Shiny shoes were OK as he left.
The Two 'Bruisers' had the two boys plus their Fancy pieces 'Off the scene'
within a minute, the previously Pony-tailed Gay guy also did a Runner because
he had a bit of 'Outstanding' and he didn't fancy chatting to any Gardai.
The 'Great Unwashed' was in shock, he had never seen a gun being shot
before and thought the whole thing was insane and unbelievable until he
saw his colleague with gunshot wounds.

The Bald Homosexual was left to comfort Gerry, everyone else was gone,
Gerry's Pretence Homophobic guard was down and the bald homo knew it,
he held Gerry's hand while Gerry had an 'Emotional Moment'.
Very soon after, before the Shadz arrived on the scene the bald homo took
Gerry off to another pub down the road to comfort him.
Gerry broke down and told all his woe's to his new best friend.
His new best friend listened to all his problems sympathising with him
completely and totally and suggested a Nightcap in his House.
An Emotional Gerry agreed and the party continued,
Not so much in a house, but in a tiny basement flat.
At this stage Gerry was very pissed, but he continued to drink the 'Jack' that his
new best friend was offering him 'Neat' by the 'Neck' sat at the kitchen table.
Alone, Emotional and in Shock he sought comfort from the bald man and the
bald homo gave him every comfort he needed as they sat drinking as his table.
A very drunk Gerry staggered for the toilet door in the flat, the bald man helped
him on his way. After finishing on the toilet Gerry could Not get up, so he called
for Help, his new best friend, the Bald homosexual came running to his aid,
Gerry eventually rose himself from the throne with some help and the bald man
exclaimed, "Wow, What a Small Willie !", and went on to say,
"I Like small Willies, Long n Thin goes too far in, Short n Thick does the Trick !"

Gerry Splutters "Foooook OOFFFF Ya,Ya, Ya.............."
Unable to finish his sentence, the bald man helps him to pull up his pants
and guides him toward the Bed.............

Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #1 on: February 16, 2013, 09:55:59 AM »
'WD 40' = Oily spray-on lubricant for cars, door hinges, etc
commonly used term by Homophobics to Slag Gays.
'Starfish' = Anus.
'Arthur' = Guinness.
'Ching-Chong' = Chinese meal.

The Great Unwashed, Part 2.

The 'Great Unwashed' wakes up very groggy the next morning,
in a strange bed, to a distinct overpowering smell of WD 40 !
He feels a strange, Not Pleasant nor Unpleasant tingling around his Starfish,
he has No idea of what it is and with it being so early in the morning,
he really couldn't care, he had a tad of a stupid grin on his gob when he woke
and there was a general feeling of inner satisfaction within himself.
He rolls over caring Not a jot about where he is and drifts back in to
a Happy, Drunken, Hung-over slumber.

An hour later, he wakes again, this time in a Panic, sweating profusely,
the Tingling on his Starfish has gotten very, very sore and painfully Raw !
Flashbacks are going through his mind at the rate of Ninety per second,
He remembers the shooting in the Pub !
He remembers falling down the steps of some basement flat somewhere,
He remembers someone pulling up his pants for him !
But what else ?
Where am I ?
Why am I here ?
Why is my Hole on Fire ?
What does Missus 'Great Unwashed' know ?

He relaxes back in to the now cold, wet, sweaty bed trying to convince himself
that Marto or Tony or one of the lad's would come in to wake him soon
and that the Whizz-way problems were caused by Arthur & the Ching-Chong.

He knows it's Not True, but he convinces himself to those thoughts,
he shakes convulsively in the cold wet bed, praying for Marto or Tony
to come in through the bedroom door.

He is Alone now, in his own prison, afraid to get up, afraid to stay.
Demons haunt his thoughts, Flashbacks are up to a Hundred per second,
Guns, Death, My Small Willy, Falling, The Bald Gay Man,
Being held by the hand, Crying in Public, FDS the walking Dead.
The bed warms as he starts to sweat again,
The pain in his racing head increases as he tries to think rationally about
what de Fook happened last night ?
No further answers are forthcoming to him.
He hides from the world under the covers, again sweating profusely
at Forbidden answers that he Did Not Wish to Recognise.

An hour later, there is a gentle "Knock, Knock" at the bedroom door,
he immediately sits bolt upright in the bed, as if he was after being Tazered !
The 'Great Unwashed' whimpers, "Come in".
His Gay friend from the previous night opens the bedroom door,
peeps in around the door and asks, "Are you Awake, Sweetie-Pie ?",
Gerry retreats under the blankets, holding them up as far as his Snozzle
like a Newly-Fooked Virgin. The Gay man skips in to the bedroom wearing only
a brief Black Leather Thong and carrying a Rose between his teeth,
he asks Gerry, "Are you ready for Breakfast, you must be starving after last night",
Gerry still hiding under the covers Nod's a positive reply in complete Terror !
His new best friend goes off to prepare his breakfast.

Gerry lies back in the bed, breakfast is far from his mind,
Murder is his foremost thought, more Flashbacks appear in his head.
Homosexual Flashbacks, Vividly real. His common Homophobic Council upbringing
discard the thoughts from his mind, Nothing Happened, he would soon be home
wiv his Hen "Misses Great Unwashed" having Great Sex and enjoying her telling
him, "How Great a Lover he Was", after his Three Pumps and a Quick Squirt !.
Alone, badly hung-over and confused, he lies in his strange wet bed.

His new best friend walks in to the bedroom again, still wearing only a Thong,
but with a Full Fry-Up on a plate including the Rose.
Gerry being No Fool, takes the plate, puts it on the bedside locker,
and then Bitch-Slaps the Gay man twice for No apparent reason.
Gerry is cross and confused, to lash out at someone was his only way
to protect his Manliness, to Plank the grub first was the way he was
brought up. Eat First, Argue later, old Habit's die hard.
The Gay man leaves Gerry's bedroom in a Huff,
Gerry tucks into his fried Brekkie, not caring who made it for him,
as he finishes, another 'Knock, Knock' at his bedroom door....

Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #2 on: February 16, 2013, 09:59:56 AM »
'Lunchbox' = Men's Genitalia.
"Ring of Fire' = A Sore anus.
'Mot' or 'Beur' = Girlfriend.
'Flicks' = Cinema.
'Coping a Feel' = Touching a Women's Breast.
'Wind Jammers' = A Dublin early morning Pub.


The Great Unwashed, Part 3.
The Gay man walks in, this time accompanied by a friend,
a much younger businessman of about 25 in a Blue suit.
They sit on the end of Gerry's bed and talk about him as if he were Not there.
The younger man asks, "Is this the fella from last night ?",
"Yea" replies the Bald Gay man,
"He's Not much to look at, but you wanna see him in Action !",
Gerry is hiding under the covers hoping to gleam some imfo about
what happened the previous night and listening to the duo's conversation.

What he was hearing is entirely Not what he wanted to hear.
The lads go on to discuss the size of Gerry's penis,
with the older bald man defending Gerry, telling his friend,
"It's not about Size, It's all about Technique and Stamina ".
Eventually Gerry whimpers from his bed to the Two lads,
"Do yiz mind leaving me alone ta get up and git dressed ?",
The Duo comply and leave the bedroom,
Gerry is up and out of his sodden bed in an instant,
he looks back at the bed to see Brown and Red skid marks on the sheets,
he completely ignores them throwing the bed covers over them and tells
himself, 'They were Never there !'.

Once up, Gerry see's his Purple Corduroy pants crumpled up in a corner,
his string-net vest and Chrimbo 'Wham '95' top in the opposite corner,
but no sign of his 'Million-washed' greyish white Y-Fronts.
Gerry has only Two pairs of Y-Fronts, so to lose one would be a Tragedy !
He opens the bedroom door and calls out to the Gay men,
"Haz either of yiz seen me onderpants anywheres ?",
The older Gay man replies,
"I think someone took them home last night as a Souvenir,
Don't worry, Il get you a spare pair",
within a minute the older Gay man strode in to Gerry's bedroom
twirling a Leopard-skin Thong on his Finger and said to Gerry
"Try that on Stud !",
Gerry reluctantly accepted the underwear, he had been brought up
to always wear underwear and felt uncomfortable without any on.
He slipped on the Leopard-skin Thong, but his 'Lunchbox' only half-filled
the Pouch and the G-string was playing Havoc with his 'Ring of Fire'.
His new Gay friend told him, "You can keep them, they used to belong
to a dear friend of mine", "But the misfortunate Died",  "Of AIDS !".
Gerry discarded the Thong immediately, deciding to go 'Au Natural' !.
Gerry realised that he was Not thinking straight,
the thoughts of 'Having a Shower' were in his head,
he knew then that he was in a delusional state, the last time Gerry
actively thought that a Shower might be a Good idea was way back
in the Eighties when he was bringing a Mot to de Flicks in the Hope of
'Coping A Feel', unfortunately that night was a 'No-Goer' for Gerry,
he brought the Beur to see GREASE, and de Beur thought,
'Well, If Olivia Newton-John ain't Putting out, neither am I'.
And that had been Gerry's last Shower thought until this morning.

He dressed himself quickly and headed out of the bedroom,
the Two gay men were sat around the kitchen table chatting.
Gerry approached them with a Vicious look upon his face,
Truth be told Gerry had No idea of what to do or say,
he didn't know his Arse from his Elbow or Pecker.
In a vain attempt to prove his Heterosexuality to himself,
he pointed his finger at the Younger Gay man in the suit and spluttered,
"If I ever see you again Il, Il, Il....................!"
Then he Smacked his 'New best friend Gay man' across his Bald head,
before attempting to leave the Apartment, he got as far as the front door,
but last night's drink was still the better of him and he could not open it.
Neither of the Gay men approached him to help open the door, as he had
given them both his foreboding, eventually Gerry returns to the kitchen
doorway and sez "Will one of yiz F'n Dirty Fags open de F'n door fer miz ?",
Nothing was said, the Two men sat at the table as still as Statues,
Gerry stood in the hallway looking and feeling like a Fool, then he
rephrased his question, "Will one of yiz Please open de door fer me ?",
the younger man got up and opened the door latch for him in silence.
Gerry stumbled out, still groggy he recognised the basement steps that
he had fallen down the previous night, unfortunately he did not recognise
them too well and again fell over on the way up.

Once out on the street Gerry attempted to straighten his thoughts,
he saw people looking at him, this made him paranoid,
he was starting to feel like the Freshly Fooked Slut in last nights clothes,
doing the 'Walk of Shame' after being abandoned by his Lover.
A moment of Clarity came over him.
Hail a Non-White cab. Go to 'Wind Jammers' for an early morning 'Curer'
and listen out for 'De Goss' on de street in de Pub.
Gerry was very proud of his excellent plan.
And to add to his delight he remembered that Misses 'Great Unwashed'
had been out wiv her Family 'De Fookin Outlaws' as he called them
the night before celebrating her Auld fella's 58th Birthday.

He Just Might get away with it Yet !!

Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #3 on: February 16, 2013, 10:02:06 AM »
'Tranny' = Taxi Minibus.
'Tractor' = Gerry's new Lexus Taxi.
'Kuntbaggery' = Taxi driver term for Devious/illegal Behaviour.
'Quart' = Two pints, (A Quarter of a Gallon).
'Two-Hander' = Using both hands to lift a Pint.
'Napalm' = A Thick Gel agent mixed with petrol for use as an Incendiary Device.
'Deuce' = Two Hundred Euro.


The Great Unwashed, Part 4.

Gerry stood on the street looking around sheepishly, as usual he was
unwashed & unshaven, but this morning he looked particularly Haggard.
An old lady with a small dog passing by stopped and gave him a Euro
for himself. Gerry contemplated getting a cup from McDonald's and staying
where he was, but No, he had his plan and he was sticking with it.
A Red Tranny Taxi approaches him, he squints his bloodshot eyes
to see the colour of the driver, Fook !  It's Tony !!,
he dives for cover, again falling down the basement steps for the third time.

He gets up, recomposes himself and walks back out on to the street,
a 02D Corolla taxi approaches, surely a Brudder he thinks,
indeed it was, Gerry sits in, rattling from last night's beer, the meter is already
running, 4.45 is on the clock and it's showing Tariff C (the Christmas day rate).
He wonders why it is on Tariff C, but hasn't the energy to question the driver,
knowing that the Brudder wouldn't answer him anyways and most likely just
put him outta the Cab. Gerry directs the driver to Wind Jammers,
the driver miss's about Three turns that Gerry had directed him to take,
the Brudder apologizing profusely all the time in his own native tongue.
The Five minute journey takes about 15 minutes and there is 25 Bucks
on the clock, Gerry knows he's Snared, he dare Not make a complaint,
so he pays the driver in full requesting a receipt,
"Ah, Yes, Receipt" replies the Brudder, "That is in boot, I get for you",
the driver opens his seat belt and goes to open his drivers door,
'Strange' thought Gerry, he gets out, closes his door and the Taxi Drives Away !
Gerry is impressed, a new level of Kuntbaggery, he makes mental notes.

Two Hobo's sitting on the street outside Jammers at 7am recognise Gerry,
he goes over and gives them the Euro that the old lady had given him earlier.
He then attempts to walk in to the pub, but the doorman has seen him with
the Hobo's and reckoned that he was one of them and won't let him in,
Gerry asks the doorman "Iz Durty Mary on ?, she will let me in".
Gerry remembers giving Durty Mary one a few years back,
a nasty memory which left a Nasty Rash !.
The doorman calls Mary on his Walkie-Talkie and a Fat, Extremely Ugly Lady
in her late Fifties came to the door, she opens her arms to embrace Gerry,
he has No choice only to hug her in order to gain entry to the Pub,
as he goes to hug her he see's her tongue coming out and immediately
turned his head, only to get Mary's wet tongue straight in to his ear hole.
She puts her hand in to the back pocket of his Purple corduroys and walks
him in to the bar, once inside Gerry legs it for the Bog to dodge Durty Mary.
He goes to take a leak and notices that his John Thomas was Glowing Red,
redder than he had ever seen it before, even in his 'Tommy Tank' teenage years.
Ya Woooooo ! he screams out loud in pain as the piss starts to come out in
Three different directions !.

He exits the Loo and shakily takes up a stool at the bar in a secluded corner,
he orders a pint of Arthur and the barman gives him his pleasure,
Gerry attempts to lift the pint, but it's Not for lifting, again he tries,
this time he gets the pint up an inch from the bar counter,
but it shakes uncontrollably in his hand and he is forced to put it down,
the barman is watching this, he had seen it plenty times before,
he walks over to where a badly Hung-over Gerry is seated and discreetly asks,
"Do you want the 'Tie' ?", Gerry tries once more to lift his pint, but fails again,
He Nods at the Barman, the barman pulls out a Purple Silk tie from under
the counter and hands it to him, Gerry looks around to see if anyone is watching,
no one seems to be paying him any attention, so he takes the thin end of the
Purple Silk tie and ties it around his Right Wrist, then drapes the tie around
the back of his neck, catching the Large end of the tie in his Left hand,
he takes a hold of his pint in his Right hand with the tie tied on to it and
pulls down firmly with his Left hand lifting the pint to his lips,
Gerry is embarrassed at having to use the 'Tie', but with so much else going
on in his head, it's well down on his list of Worries. The Porter hurts on the way
down, he had expected that, but he knew another few sup's would ease that pain,
many more pains ailed him, he was covered in bumps & bruises which ached
from falling on the basement steps Three times, his stomach was in Knot's
with worry, his mind was in Turmoil, his Pecker was in a Cruel state and his
Bottom felt like it had been set on Fire !
He knew if he could just get the Quart down, he would be fine.
The next pint is better, he discards the 'Tie' and goes for a 'Two-hander',
the pains are easing and the mind is clearing.
Once the second pint is downed, Gerry is feeling much better, he feels the
quart of Arthur's moving around in his tummy and a Crampy feeling coming on,
he knows that the estimated time of the Quarts departure is looming at speed.

Gerry was starting to formulate a plan in his head, Kill the two Gay men,
torch the basement apartment, Nothing ever happened, Simples !!
The Quart in Gerry's belly has decided 'It's time to be Born' !
Gerry looks around frantically for the toilet door, which had F'n moved since
the last time he used it !, He Hop-Trots, Walks at speed around the bar,
the friendly barman catches his eye and points in the direction of the toilet door.
He makes it with a second to spare. Loud screams and Yelps are heard coming
from inside the toilet, the two Hobo's out on the street hears the screams
and snigger at each other knowing the story.

Thirty minutes later, Gerry emerges from the toilet, a Broken Man, he uses
the wall to hold himself upright as he walks slowly step by step around the bar,
clutching the wall tightly until he eventually arrives back at his barstool.
Unable to bring himself to speech, he gestures the barman for a refill,
the barman obliges and this time lays a straw next to his pint, Gerry attempts
to thank him but the words won't come out, so he gestures his thanks with his
hand and thinks to himself, "This barman should really be Canonized as a Saint !",
He sticks the straw in the Pint and suckles on it like a Newborn baby Gorilla
A Tramp walks in at about 9am, he takes up a stool two up from Gerry and
gestures a hand and sez "Good Morning Bey", Gerry replies "Fook Off, yiz Kount !",
the Tramp ignores him and seats himself, the barman serves the Tramp.
Gerry is thinking "Fuk sake, de leave anyone in here !", then he catches a glimpse
of himself in the mirror behind the optics' of the bar, he realises that the Tramp
for all his unwashed and unshaven traits, looks better presented than he himself.
He see's the Tramp scratch his nether-regions in exactly the same way that he
dose it himself and thinks to himself, 'Another previous Conquest of Durty Mary !'.
The Tramp again tries to make conversation a few minutes later,
"Yiz heard about the Taxi Murders in de Cat las nigh ?",
Gerry sits bolt upright !, "NO", he replies.
The story had gone 'Octopus' overnight and grown legs everywhere.
The Tramp then told him, "Yea, a load a Queers n South African's Kount's
tried to shoot a load of Dublin Taxi drivers down de Cat !, Murder der wer !",
"Will'ya go on outta da", sez Gerry, "I'm a Taxi driver meself !"
"Of course you are, Me Eye", sez the Tramp, "Wat ya Drive ?",
Gerry tells him, "Iv meself a Nua Lexus 4.6 petrol !",
"Ah Yea", sez the Tramp, looking at a Dishevelled Bleary-eyed Gerry,
"Iv Two of dem meself, de Misses drives de other one out in Foxrock !",
Gerry tries to get the conversation back On-topic,
"Waz de Shadz n Shite called ?"
"Yea" sez the tramp, "There searching for a small Durty Kount in a
'Wham 95' jumper n some udder Geezer wiv Shiny Shoes".
Gerry looks down at his jumper, porter stains have all but blocked out
the "Wham 95" text. Things are looking up, he thinks to himself.
The Tramp asks Gerry, "De have have the price of a Spare Pint son ?",
"No" sez Gerry, "Fook Off, ya Muppet !".
Another Quart down, Gerry's tummy and mind have settled and the pains have
eased, he returns to thinking of how to get away from the situation and cover
up whatever he thinks/knows may have happened the previous night.
His original thought of Kill, was starting to endear to him, Napalm he reckoned
was the answer, he had always admired Napalm as a teenager and was
unpleased when the U.N. attempted to ban it in 1980, the Yanks refused to
sign the banning order and that was good enough for Gerry too.
Gerry didn't like Yanks much, except for the Napalm bit, their incredibly
Lax Gun Control Laws and their embracement of the Porn industry,
Apart from that, he didn't like them much at all.
He also didn't like anyone from Dublin's Southside or any Culchie's, or any
Non-Nationals or Foreigner's, Outer-space Aliens he was Kinda OK with !
Gerry had for many years dreamt of making Napalm, he had read about how
to make it, so he had a half-decent if Not perfect idea of what he was doing.
He also knew the stats and history of Homemade Napalm, the majority killed
or maimed by it were the Makers.   "Not Me !", he scoffed !!
Gerry had a last pint before returning home to da Hen at 11am,
his beloved was still in a slumber, he snuck in next to her quietly,
after all the hazy Devilment's of last night and the early morn cure,
he looked over at his hen in the bed next to him and thought to himself,
"Shez nor a bad birra stuff at all, youse knowes !",
he rolled over, she raised her hand lovingly to his shoulder while she slept,
he felt it there and drifted in to a long, long sleep, battered, bruised and
very bewildered, he slept through till the next morning.
As a gunshot Frankie had left the Pub that night, he felt a tingling in his chest
and it stung very badly. Luckily for him Marto was illegally ranked outside the
Cat & Cage touting for business, he brought FDS home and helped him in to
his flat. In the full light of his kitchen Frankie saw the Bullet holes in his Shiny
Black suit, he took it off to examine it cursing the South African Bruiser who
had destroyed his beautiful suit. Marto Not knowing what had happened
asked FDS for the story. Frankie still the worse for the beer told him,
"Some big Sooth African Kount shot miz, fer Fookin Nuthing !",
Marto sees the bullet holes still smoking on Frankie's otherwise spotless shirt.
Frankie takes off his white shirt, underneath he has on the Bulletproof vest that
Marto had sold him for a Deuce just a few weeks earlier.
Marto laughs knowing Frankie to be a bit 'Off-centre' at the best of times,
"Jaysus Frankie, wat ur going around wearing dat Yoke fer ?
Frankie smiles a Drunken smile back at him "Ah, sur ya never kno", 'Hiccup'.
Frankie has Two huge red marks on his chest from the Bullet wounds,
Marto eventually persuades him to go to the hospital and drives him there himself,
Frankie goes in to A & E, where he is given a ticket and told, "Take a seat",
he sits down away from everybody else, an hour later an elderly lady comes in
gets her ticket and sits down beside him. Frankie looks at her hoping that she
would have a Heart Attack and Die, because he wasn't in the mood for Chat.
The old lady seemingly was a hospital regular and knew the hospital score,
She sez to Frankie, "See poor ol Mrs Hennessy over there on the Trolley ?",
Frankie looks over and sees a line of Hospital Trolleys in a Long corridor,
all with seemingly sick people on them, he notices the Mrs Hennessy that the
old lady is pointing at, an elderly lady asleep on her Trolley clutching her
handbag tightly as she slept. The old lady next to Frankie continues,
"She came in last week with Chest pains and been on that Trolley ever since",
"And tell me Young man, what is your Ailment ?",
"Fookin Chest Pains", Frankie tells her, "Oh Sorry Luv", sez the old lady,
"I didn't wish to alarm you", "Tell me, how long have you been here ?"
"About a Bleeding Hour already", Frankie tells her,
"Oh your only a Newbie so", says the old lady smiling,
"Only be about another Nine hours before your seen by a Doctor",
Frankie knows that the old lady knows exactly what she is talking about and
he has heard enough, he gets up, walks up to the young nurse at the reception,
noticing her trying to scuttle her 'Hello' magazine under a stack of paperwork,
he puts his ticket on the counter and sez to her,
"I'm Off, Il be Back when I'm Dead !".
The old lady waves at him smugly as he leaves, knowing herself to be
One Space up in the Rank and far from the first time she had pulled that trick.
FDS goes off home and takes his chances with a few days rest on his own couch.

Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #4 on: February 16, 2013, 10:06:33 AM »

It's only Half-Time !!

Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2013, 08:07:56 AM »
'Joy' = Mountjoy prison.
'Monkey' = Five Hundred Euro.
'Durty Gun' = Previously used and Probably traceable to the holder.


The Great Unwashed. Part 5.

Gerry woke the next morning bright-eyed and Sober he thought for a while
in bed about his plan, then got up, put on his Favourite Purple corduroys,
discarded his 'Wham 95' Suspect jumper for a much cooler Michael Jackson
'Beat it' top and then set about his plan of acquiring the Napalm ingredients,
starting with the hardest to obtain 'Phosphorous'. He knew there was always
a jar kept in the local school science lab, but how to get it ?

Gerry had Adored and Loved Phosphorous ever since he first saw it in school
as a teenager. It ignited on contact with Oxygen, he was amazed as his then
science teacher took some Phosphorous from it's jar of oil, only to see it ignite
immediately on contact with the air, then his old science teacher held it under
the tap, only for the flames to expand as it reacted with the oxygen in the water.
How Amazingly Fookin Cool, thought Gerry !
He needed a cover to get into the school, rob the Phosphorous and get away
without been identified, Not an easy task !
Disguise he thought. He needed a paper boiler suit like the one FDS wore
when collecting Dedders, but FDS was Laid up with gunshot wounds.
'Fookin Typical', thought Gerry.
But 'There is more than one way to skin a Cat' he thought and headed for the
Funeral home where FDS worked, he met the boss man and started a tale of
bullshit about how great him & Frankie were and how nice a fella Frankie was,
also telling the Boss that Frankie had asked him to stand in for him for a few days.
The boss man believed him and Gerry asked to be shown around, once inside the
Funeral home, he spotted the paper boiler suits and asked the boss could he take
one away to try it on and he would then wait for him to call him about the Dedders.
The Funeral boss agreed, pleased that someone could cover Frankie's Work.
Now Gerry didn't like Dead People too much and he also didn't like Work at all
and the two put together was a big No No !.
So as soon as he had the White paper boiler suit under his sweaty armpit,
he was gone, out the Gap in to his Nua Tractor/Lexus 4.6 ! and Away.
Next on to the local hospital, with his paper suit on and hood up, he drove
around the back to the rubbish area, his prize was sitting up in front of him,
a Yellow bucket marked "Sharp and Hazardous materials", he pulled up next
to the bucket, opened his drivers door and gently scooped the bucket on to the
passenger's seat floor and gone.
Once home he opened the bucket, inside were used scalpels, needles and
bloody swabs, he dumped the entire contents in to his neighbours recycling bin.
On to the school for his main prize, the Phosphorous. Dressed in his white paper
boiler suit wiv hood up, he attached his credit card sized Taxi I.D. to his chest,
he pulled up next the the science lab at 12.55pm, parking his Tractor in a discreet
spot where both licence plate and roof sign where covered by a transit van.

Knowing that the Lab would be locked up after class at 1pm, he was bang on time
the school buzzer went at 1pm and students started to leave the lab immediately,
Gerry waited in the hall till the crowd thinned out. Gerry then strode in,
walked up to the teacher with his Yellow 'Hazardous waste' bucket in his hand
and said to the teacher, "Iv been ordered by the School Department to dispose
of your waste Phosphorous because it is out of date and a colleague of mine will
be bringing a Fresh Jar in later this afternoon".
Gerry delivered his statement with such a distinct air of authority that the science
teacher just smiled and waved him on. Next problem was to find the Phosphorous,
there was only one cupboard marked as 'Flammable Material', surely this was it.
But it was locked, no time for backing down now, Gerry beckoned the teacher over,
while looking at his watch in an exasperated way, the science teacher came over
and unlocked the cupboard for him.
There it was, 'Gleaming' right in front of him, like the 'Holy Grail' !
He picked up the Phosphorous jar, about the same size as a large coffee jar
and placed it delicately in to the Yellow bucket.
The teacher say's to him as he leaves, "Be careful now with that !", 
Gerry replies as he walks away, "No worries, iv bin doing dis fer years"
and almost trips himself over in the hall on his Baggy Paper Boiler Suit !
Gerry is now like a Man Possessed on his Quest, he has No thoughts of
anything else in the world. Only to complete his Job !! .............

Gerry takes the Phosphorous home from the school Lab, and slinks around the
side of his house, to the Barna shed, he opens the shed door and all and sundry
of junk pile out on top of him, bikes, garden cleaning equipment, suitcases, etc..
he places his Holy Grail safely by the back door and empties the Barna shed,
firing everything over the fence in to his neighbours gardens, until the shed is
empty except for one small table, he places his Phosphorous still contained in the
Yellow bucket under the table, hangs his new boiler suit on a hook in the shed
and puts a new padlock on the shed door.

Next onto the local electrical shop and again around the back to the rubbish area.
No shortage here of what he is looking for, Styrofoam for packing electrical goods,
he parks up his Tractor nua and fills a black bag full of Styrofoam and loads it into
the boot. Next on to the local petrol station, where he buys a Jerry can and fills it
with petrol. Back home again, No one at home, Excellent !, he takes a saucepan
from a kitchen cupboard, breaks off the handle and then puts the saucepan,
the bag of Styrofoam and the petrol into his new Lab, the Barna shed.

He reckons that he has enough done for one day and locks up the shed at 5pm,
but his mind races and won't leave him alone, he thinks how is he going to get
the two gay men where he wants them so as to Burn them ?
A Gun is needed he reckons, but he needed something that could not be traced
to him, so he goes to Tesco's and buys a new mobile with a new number,
he rings his mate Tommy 'no-balls', No answer to his call so he texts Tommy,
trying to avoid disclosing his identity on the text,  "Answer, this is Me !",
Tommy 'no-balls' being just as stupid as Gerry rings back. Gerry asks him if
he could sort him wiv a 'Piece'. Tommy tells him that he is currently in the 'Joy',
but he would ring 'Jimmy the Skunk' and get him sorted.
Within an hour Jimmy the Skunk rings Gerry, "Heard youse looking ta do Bisnezz",
"Wadda av ya got ? n wav de ya want ?". Gerry pretending to be Big, Bad n Awzum,
sez "I is looking for a Shooter fer a Job, about de Deuce mark ",
Jimmy the Skunk laughs "A Fookin Deuce, ur aving a F'n Giraffe !",
"Lookit, seeing as ur a mate a Tommy's, Il get yiz a nice 'Clean' gun fer a Monkey",
"It's a lovely little revolver, Spang new, never been used".

Gerry tells him "But, I don't av a Fookin Monkey, a Deuce is me Max",
Jimmy tells him "Lookit, il sort youse cos Tommy told miz ta, il get ya a gun,
it aint de best n it might be Durty, but it'll do de Job".
Gerry thinks a Durty gun, sure he can clean it wiv a bit of Fairy liquid and
tis only two fags he's after, so he agrees to the Deal.

Gerry goes to the fridge in his kitchen where he keeps his piggy-bank
'Mafia-style' in the freezer compartment and withdraws a Deuce.
He gets into his Tractor nua and heads off to meet Jimmy the Skunk,
his meeting is in a crowded children's play-park.
He had never met Jimmy before, but on arriving, Jimmy spots him coming in
and walks straight over to him, "Howd ya know it wer Me ?" ask's Gerry,
Jimmy laughs out loud and tells him,
"Tommy told me, ud be de fella wearing de Purple Corduroys !".
Jimmy was a big man, about Thirty, badly scared across the left side of his face
and smelled very badly of B.O. It was easy for Gerry to see how he got his name.
Pleasantries over, Gerry sez, "Av yiz ga me Piece ?",
"Ya" sez Jimmy and hands him a brown paper bag, Gerry slips him the Deuce
and goes on his way, again back to his Barna shed with the brown bag tucked
under his coat. He is like a child at Christmas as he closes the Barna shed door
behind him in anticipation at seeing his Own New Gun.

Disappointment oozes from every pore in his body as what looks like an olden
day 'Spud-gun' is his prize, he didn't fancy the idea of quarrelling with Jimmy,
he didn't look like much of a man for refunds or receipts.
Gerry hid the Spud-gun in the Yellow bucket beside the Phosphorous
and went in home to bed for a Snooze.

Tonight he would be Scientist and Master-Blaster Chef.
Tomorrow morning he would be Silent Assassin, Creator of Havoc,
a Formidable Foe and a Northside Dublin Man Not to be messed with,
And Most of All, His Dirty Secrets would be Washed away Forever....
Gerry woke at about 3am, snuck out of bed quietly and out to the Barna shed,
grabbing some Silver foil and Rubber bands from the kitchen along his way.
Once inside his 'Lab', he locks the door behind him and sets about his chore,
he puts his Saucepan with the handle broken off it on to the small table
and half fills it with Petrol from the Jerry can, then gets his bag of Styrofoam
and starts to break it into small pieces dropping it in to the Petrol and watching
it dissolve, the Petrol eats up the Styrofoam at an alarming rate and Gerry is
half way through the bag of Styrofoam before a Goo starts to form, he keeps
adding more till the Goo is really thick and the Petrol can't dissolve any more.
Gerry is excited, he thinks to himself, "Il show dat Molotov Fooker a thing or two",
he tries to think of a name for his new creation, something with his own branding
on it, so as that he would be Famous and Immortalised within Dublin's Northside,
"Gerry's Bucket-Blaster", No, too long.
"Gerry's Na-Buck", No, too stupid.
"The G-Buck", that's it, Sorted !.
He stirs the Petrol/Styrofoam Goo with his finger for No apparent reason,
only than to put off what he must do next. He knows the Dangers involved.
He reaches under the table and brings up the Yellow bucket containing his
nua 'Spud-gun' and his prized jar of Phosphorous.
He leaves it on the table top and thinks to himself, really only avoiding what he
must do next, he notices that the saucepan is only three-quarters full,
he slinks out to his Tractor nua and gets a litre of Motor oil from the boot,
he knows that the motor oil would increase the temperature of his concoction
and add burning black clouds of smoke to the scene, he hadn't felt the need to
use it before, he knew that water boiled at 100 degrees and Napalm burned
at 800 degrees, he didn't expect much of the Gay men or the Flat to be left
when he had finished his Job.
He added the Motor oil to his solution bringing it within a centimetre of the
saucepan's rim, the 'Great Unwashed' was Nervous, he puts on his White paper
boiler suit, takes the jar of Phosphorous from the Yellow bucket and starts to
unscrew the lid. Then a though occurred to him. 'How much should I put in ?',
"Ah sur Fook it, il jus Fook it all in, Be Grand !".
Unfortunately the amount of Phosphorus that Gerry was about to add was about
100 times more than was needed. He continued to unscrew the lid, the Phosphorus
was sat at the bottom of the jar encased in oil to prevent it from having any contact
with oxygen. Once Gerry had the jar open, he submerged it in his solution,
holding up the back of the jar until it was empty. Thankfully the Phosphorus sank to
the bottom and Gerry quickly filled the saucepan to the rim with the left over Motor oil,
he then sealed the saucepan top with silver foil and put two strong rubber bands
around the rim to secure the Silver foil in place. He took his Spud-gun out of the
Yellow bucket and placed what he now called his 'G-Buck' in to it, lifting the bucket
delicately, he put it under the table. From there he breathed a Huge sigh of Relief,
pulled out a Johnnie blue and was about to light it, but thought maybe outside
would be better, far away outside !
It was now 5am as he leaned against his Tractor nua, thinking out his next move
and confidently tugging at his well deserved Johnnie blue.



Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #6 on: February 18, 2013, 08:18:35 AM »
'Wollyback' = Culchie, (A Person Not Shaving their back Neck Hair).
'Pistol-Whip' = To strike someone with the Butt of a Pistol.


The Great Unwashed. Part 6.

Gerry finished his ciggie and returned to his 'Lab'. He looked disgustingly at
his new Spud-gun, he picked it up to examine it properly for the first time,
there was one bullet in the chamber and the Firing Hammer needed to be
pulled back and also released to fire the single bullet, it would take two hands
to fire the gun, he was Not impressed, also his original thought of selling on
the shooter had all but evaporated, 'What idiot wud buy tha Fookin thing ?'.
He hoped that he would not have to actually fire the gun anyway, but only to
get his two victims in to the bedroom to be Terminated.
He saw his refection in the window of the shed against the dark background,
he pointed the gun at his reflection and in his best De Niro, he said out loud
"You talkin' to me ?.
Gerry was loving all his new Lingo "Terminate", "G-Buck", etc, but he was
disappointed at not really being able to refer to his Spud-gun as 'His Piece'.
The 'Great Unwashed' still wearing the Paper Boiler suit, pocketed his Gun
and took a few spare bullets from the brown bag that Jimmy had given him.
He lifted his Yellow bucket containing the 'G-Buck' and placed it in the boot of
his Tractor nua, wedging it in to the spare wheel and set off for Drumcondra.
His plan was, get the two boyo's in to the bedroom, then standing at the
bedroom door holding the Yellow bucket, chuck the G-Buck in to the bedroom,
close the door and Run like Fook !
The silver foil would break on impact, the Phosphorous would ignite on contact
with the oxygen in the air, the Napalm would then explode and burn at about
800 degrees.  'Perfect, Simple, Failsafe', he thought to himself.
When he got to Drumcondra, he realised that he didn't remember where the
two Gay lads lived. It was 6am, still dark and the early morning traffic was
starting to build, he drove around for what seemed like an eternity, searching
for the boy's house and also remembering that he had a Lethal Concoction of
explosive in his boot, if anyone rear-ended him, they would be in for a
mighty big surprise. Truth be told everyone within a Two mile radius
would also have gotten a Mighty Big Surprise !
He was stopped at a set of Traffic lights when the Big Red Tranny pulled up
next to him, it was Tony, FOOK !.
Too late to Duck, Tony was already winding down his window, Gerry prayed
for the Lights to change to Green, No such Luck !
Tony shouts over, "Howya Mucker !, How's yer Hole ?"
Gerry instinctively replies, "Will yiz ever Fook off home, ya Baldy Wollyback !"
(As Gerry hurls his abuse, his mind is racing overtime, what does Tony know ?)
Tony shouts back at him, "Seen ya de udder morning in yer Purples trying
ta Duck me over dere on de Richmond road, ya Fookin Fag ya !".
Gerry's face starts to tingle and go numb, stars appear in front of his eyes,
he feels a Cold Razor-Blade slice up his Spinal cord from Ass to Neck !
he momentarily holds his composure and shouts back a Pitiful reply,
"Ah, Fook Off yiz Bog-trotting Kount, Leave it Bleeding ou !".
Lights turn green, he gives Tony 'The Mighty Finger' and drives away
taking an immediate right-hand turn to Dodge Tony.
Gerry's head is in turmoil Again.
'What de Fook was all that about ?, What could Tony know ?'
He wasn't at the Cat and Cage when things kicked off that night. Is the word
already on the street that iv been 'Hairy-aped' by some Shirt-lifting Kounts ?.
But now for all Tony's haunting disclosures, He has an address to head to.
He drives to Richmond road and see's the familiar basement steps, it's 7am
so he just parks in the bus lane and put's on his Hazard lights.
He pulls up the hood of his paper boiler suit over his head, checks his pocket
for his Spud-gun, gets out of his Tractor, opens the boot and takes out his
Yellow bucket. Remembering that he had already fallen down the basement
steps three times, this time he walks down the steps very cautiously holding
his beloved incendiary device under his arm.
He knocks on the door and rings the bell, waits ten seconds and then repeats
the procedure, typical taxi driver fashion, the Elder Bald Gay man answers the
door in a Fluffy Pink dressing gown and matching Slipper's and sez
"Oh, it's You Honeybun's, back for Seconds are we ?, Come in, Come in".
Gerry shoves him in to the apartment and pulls out his Spud-gun, all of a sudden
realising that he couldn't shoot it because it needed two hands and he was
holding his Yellow bucket in one of those hands. Undeterred, once inside he
closes the front door behind him and points the Gun at his would-be Victim.
The Gay man laughs to see Gerry in the Boiler suit pointing something at him,
he asks Gerry "What's that Thing ? Do you put Lube on it or what ?",
the younger Gay man arrives, also in a Pink dressing gown, but in Satin.
Gerry puts down his yellow bucket and using his now free hand attempts to
cock the gun, the two gayz realise that they are now in a serious situation,
as Gerry shouts at them "Right yiz Fags inta de bedroom", both men comply
running in to the bedroom with their hands fluttering by their sides,
Gerry forgets to uncock the gun and a shot goes off flying into the bedroom
and planting itself square in the forehead of a Marilyn Monroe poster,
the elder man Faints and passes out on the bedroom floor, Gerry picks up
his bucket and strides toward the bedroom, the younger braver gay man
charges at Gerry with Fire in his eyes, Gerry tries to hold his bucket away
from himself and pistol-whips the young man straight between the eyes,
he falls down flat, laid out in the bedroom doorway, Gerry catches him by
the legs and drags him in to the bedroom over beside his lover, for good
measure and as an act of Kindness Gerry puts the younger man on top
of his also unconscious partner so as they may Die together.

'Too Fookin Easy' thinks Gerry to himself wishing he had a Hamlet cigar to smoke.
He picks up his Yellow bucket, stands in the bedroom doorway, gets himself
a good stance and hurls the G-Buck from the bucket in to the bedroom, he closes
the door quickly and is halfway to the front door before he hears the thud of
the G-Buck hit the back wall of the bedroom, he exits the apartment at Speed.
Gerry runs out the front door of the apartment, trips on his Baggy Boiler suit
and for the Fourth time falls on the Basement steps, this time whacking his
nose off the Third step and sending himself in to a semi-conscious state.
A few minutes later, he feels a hand on his shoulder shaking him,
he regains consciousness to see the Elder Bald Gay man standing over him,
he gets up and shakes his head to try and clear the grogginess, he push's
the Gay man back in to the apartment at gunpoint, he goes in after him and
walks in to the bedroom, the younger Gay man is still unconscious on the floor,
he see's his saucepan containing the G-Buck upside down on the bedroom floor,
with the silver foil beside it, 'Why didn't it Explode ?' he wonders. He go's over
to it and gingerly lifts the saucepan to see his solution had Set Hard as a Rock !.
Blood drips from the end of his snozzle from the wound on his nose after falling
on the basement steps. Now he knows Not what to do. He is Lost again !
Should he Reload the old Spud-gun twice and shoot his Foes ?.
He picks up the Rock Hard G-Buck and does what he was always taught to do
as a child, Run like Fook !

Once outside he hops in to his Tractor nua and heads for the river with the
Unexploded G-Buck on the seat next to him, he gets as far as the Tolka Bridge,
where he parks up, firstly he planks his Spud-gun under the drivers seat, he then
takes up an unassuming position at the corner of the bridge and the Quay wall,
strips out of his White Paper Boiler suit, now also covered in his own blood from
the wound on his nose, he wraps the boiler suit around the G-Buck and throws
the lot in to the Liffey. He stands there not knowing what to think or do,
but at least his main Crime is now concealed, or so he thinks.
He takes out a Johnnie blue, flick's his Zippo open and lights it.
A Loud underwater explosion occurs right beside him, boiling hot Fiery water is
landing all around him, his Prized purple corduroys are on fire in two small spots,
he tries to smack out the flames with his hand but the Fire spreads burning his
hands, he takes off his burning pants, wrapping them around his hands to
distinguish the flames, then jumps on his pants also to distinguish them.
The Liffey is on fire for as far as he can see, black smoke, the result of the
Motor oil fills the air. The G-Buck solution had dissolved in the river and the
Phosphorous had reacted with the oxygen in the river water. Parts of the quay
next to him where the explosion occurred were burning, Four Riverside Trees
and Two parked Cars were in flames.

Gerry wanted to run, but he couldn't because he had No pants on, he looks down
at his pants, his beloved Purple Corduroys that had served him so well, for so
many years were now in tatters, regardless he put them back on, a crowd had
gathered close to him watching the River and Quays burning, he dare not run
or even leave for fear of being spotted as the Arsonist fleeing the scene.

Fire engines arrived in their Droves within minutes, at this stage the River was
a Raging Inferno, the Tolka bridge was engulfed in flames. Quays on both sides
burned brightly, Firemen aimed their water hoses at the quay walls distinguishing
the flames, no sooner had they put out a flame, than it would re-ignite again.
Gerry's 'Fook it, Throw it all in' attitude about the Phosphorus was reeking havoc
on Dublin's quays, a dozen Quayside Tree's and Cars were now engulfed in flames.
Disillusioned fire fighters aimed their water canons at the adjoining buildings to
stop the fire from spreading as their attempts to thwart the main fire was
seeming Fruitless. Within Thirty minutes or so the Fires distinguished in their own
time, a few sporadic pools of flames remained in the Liffey, Hundreds of dead fish,
mostly Mullet floated 'Belly-up' in the river. The Tolka bridge and all the
surrounding quay walls were blackened by the flames.

Ambulances arrived on the scene, they see Gerry standing on the quay bleeding
from the wound on his nose and see the burns on his Purples,
they load Gerry in to an ambulance and drive him off to the hospital.

Gerry has only One thought on his mind, Compo !!

Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #7 on: February 18, 2013, 08:25:29 AM »
'Trummer' = Three Hundred Euro.
'Two by One' = A common lenght of Timber measuring Two Inches by One.
'Gear-Head' = Heroin user.
'Filth' = Gardai.
'Dog' = Phone, (ie. Dog and Bone = Phone).
'Ton n a Half' = One Hundred and Fifty Euro.
'Joe' = A Taxi.
'Bung' = Pay-Off.


The Great Unwashed. Part 7.

As Gerry's lies in his hospital bed his nua Tesco mobile phone rang ,
he answers it, it was Jimmy the Skunk,
"How's ya doing Gerry, tell miz dis, Ya still ga da single shooter I gave yiz ?",
"I haz it er somewhere's", Gerry tells him
(Trying hard to suss where this conversation was going),
"Good, Good", sez Jimmy "Tell ya wa, seeing as ur a ol pal of Tommy's,
il swap it for ya n give yiz de good new Revolver, How's da ?".
Gerry can't figure out for the world what Jimmy would want with the Spud-gun,
but if he could sell it back and make a profit, that would be just Hunky-Dory,
so he tells Jimmy, "Iv me Job done wiv it, I donna need it anymores, but il
take de Monkey rather dan de Revolver, how bout da ?",
Jimmy sez "Ah, will ya leave it bleeding ou !, il give yiz a Trummer",
Gerry is delighted, but as always greed gets the better of him,
"Lookit, split it, gis Four notes n we haz a deal",  Jimmy agrees and the pair
arrange to meet again in the children's play park the next day.
After Gerry is discharged later that evening he goes home, some Shade
had driven his Tractor home for him, he takes out the old Spun-gun from
under the front seat and takes it to his Lab to examine it more carefully,
he sees a very old battered inscription on the side of the barrel that
looked like it had been done by some amateur inscriber with a hammer & chisel,
it read "I R D 1867" the D was grazed and hard to make out, maybe it was a B.
Gerry laughs to himself "De Fookin thing is 150 fookin years old !". He puts the
old Spud-gun and the few spare bullets back in to the brown paper bag.

The next day he goes off to meet Jimmy the Skunk in the play park, this time
checking the direction of the wind, so as to be sure to stay upwind from his
nua business partner, he sits down on a park bench next to Jimmy and sez
"Yiz got de readies ?",  Jimmy sez, "Yea, a Trummer wasn't it ?",
"No, it Fookin wasn't", sez Gerry, "It's Four, iv me Hen sitting waiting a home
wiv de childer, de all starvin and I owe Big Bernie fer two rides n im Brassick !",
Jimmy sez to him, "Alrigh, Alrigh, keep ur fookin Knickers on, ers ur Four",
Gerry takes the Four and hands over the brown bag also telling Jimmy that,
"It had been Fired once, but no one was hit".
Then Gerry asks, "By de way, Wat de yer want dat Manky ol Ting fer ?"
Jimmy tells him as he gets up to leave,
"Ah, an ol fella I know wuz interested in antique guns".

Which to be fair, wasn't too far from the truth, in fact Jimmy had been to an
Antiques road show the previous weekend and had seen an ol fella examining
antique guns in a stall, the ol fella was part of the show, one of the dealers,
he was an English gent complete with Whiskers, Dicky-bow and tiny spectacles
which hung on the end of his nose and a very Elegant Tone in his accent,
Jimmy went up to him and started telling him about the old Spud-gun,
the Englishman introduced himself to Jimmy as 'Richardson', Jimmy sez to him,
"Yea, Pleased ta meet ya Mr Richardson, Im Jimmy de Skunk !",
The English gent replies to him in a most Patronising elegant tone,
"No, No James, it's Not Mr Richardson, Richardson is my Christian name,
Richardson Anthony Thornton-Snodberry is my full name, but my chum's just
call me Richardson", Jimmy sees his initials and sez to him,
"Betcha ga sum Slagging in School wiv dose Intials Richie !",
Richardson replies in a Huff tone, "I went to ETON James, we didn't do Slagging".
Jimmy throws his eyes to heaven and then goes on about the gun describing
the Making's and Design of it, the English gent's eyes were getting bigger
as Jimmy continued to talk, "Id reckon it wuz prob part of dat Irish Republican
Brotherhood thing u kno, around about the old Fenian times u kno",
Richardson asked him, "Is there any marking's or inscriptions on the Weapon ?",
Jimmy sez, "Yea, dere's a birra scribble on one side o da barrel dat reads I R D
or maybe I R B 1867". Richardson closes his stall abruptly and usher's Jimmy
off in to a private meeting room, Jimmy is surprised but he goes along with it,
half-thinking to himself, 'This is a Fookin Wind-Up ere n All !'.
Once inside the private room, Richardson's nose starts to twitch,
he asks Jimmy, "Do you get a Displeasing odour in here James ?",
Jimmy sez to him, "Naw Richie, I ga a Belt of a 'Two by One' across me Snoz
as a Nipper in Ballyer, ain't never smelt a thing since !".
Richardson takes a seat and invites Jimmy to be seated, Richardson's
demeanour had changed once inside the room from Pleasant to Very Serious,
he questions Jimmy, "Do you really have this Weapon Sir ?",
"Yea, os course I has it", Jimmy sez,
Richardson continues, "Is it decent working condition ?"
"Yea", sez Jimmy, "Nearly blew Marilyn Monroe's brains out de udder nigh !",
Richardson doesn't understand that, but just moves on to say,
"If you do really have this weapon, then you must mind it very carefully or better
still, put it in to a Bank safety deposit box", Jimmy stops him there in his tracks,
"Wha ya sayin here Gramp's ?, Is it worth a few bob or wa ?",
"Worth a few bob !", Richardson laughs out loud,
"Dear Man, It is absolutely Fukcing Priceless, have you any idea of what a
wealthy Irish-American Dynasty would pay for such a Prize ?,
You can name your own price James !",
"Or my advice, seeing as your a young man, would be, to sit on it for three years
until the Centenary of 1916 and then you could Name your Price and Double it !".
Jimmy feeling Slightly Faint gets up to leave. Jimmy is a big lad and Richardson
is small in stature, Richardson grabs him by the arm saying,
"No, No James, you can't leave a while, I must take down your details",
Jimmy angrily shakes his arm free,
"Fook off Sassenach, yiz kount's don't hold us Prisoner no more",
Jimmy floats 'Walking on air' out of the building, thinking to himself,
'How Lucky it was dat, it wuz the Muppet Gerry, he had sold the gun to !'.

The next morning Gerry drives off in his Tractor nua from his home, still with his
Four notes in his pocket, he see's his 'Birra on de Side' Big Bernie standing at His
street corner in her Pink Trackie and just after getting out of a yellow HailO cab.
Bernie is a Big Lass about Twenty stone, Long Black hair, always wears a Trackie.

He pulled in next to her and Adamantly tells her to "Sit in" to his Tractor nua,
he does Not want Big Bernie anywhere near his Hen or his Home, he pushes
the Front seat forward to allow her more space in the back.
Big Bernie has always like to sit in the back, she thought it more Fashionable
and Ladylike, Truth be told, she does Not fit in the Front Seat anymore !.
Gerry asks her "Wa ya bleeding doin ou here ? Me Mot av a Fit if'n she seen yiz",
Bernie tell's him "Iv cum fer me Money, ya oweses me fer de las Two Rides !",
"Alrigh, alrigh", sez Gerry, "Lookit deres an Afe, me Luv", and hands her a
Fifty Euro note, Big Bernie is well pleased wiv de Dosh and tells him
"Yiz know im nor on de game, but I is still ga bills ta pay too, ya kno".
Bernie had always prided herself on Not being a Prostitute, a Big Brag in her
part of town, once she had stood on a street corner for Three hours without
enticing a client, but she never told anyone this, so in her mind it never happened.
Many other people said Nasty things about her, some called her 'Yum Yum' as a
Rumour had once spread that after she had orally satisfied a male friend of her's,
she had remarked, "Yum, Yum, I Luv Cum !", but she had always said that,
that Slutty rumour was "A load a Lies", Gerry although Knew Better !
Another nasty Rumour was that she had so many 'Fat Folds' she was able to
satisfy half a Garrison of Soldiers at the same time !.

Gerry had spent many Short afternoons in Bernie's Clutches, he Adored her
and she knew how to 'Rock his Boat', she was genuinely Fond of Gerry and
she allowed him to have 'His Way' with her if he gave her a few quid as a 'Present'.
Gerry had often wondered, had he Ever Actually Penetrated Big Bernie,
he would get on top of her and find some Nook or Cranny to Pump, as soon as
Bernie felt him Humping in a Niche, she would Sing his Favourite song to him
"De Runaway Train came down de Track n He Blew !",
"De Runaway Train came down de Track n He Blew !, He Blew !",
Gerry had No resistance to his Fantasy and Seldom made it beyond the 2nd Verse !
Gerry drives her home, along the way She says,
"Yiz hear abo Jimmy de Skunk las Nigh, yiz knew him din ya ?",
"Naw",sez Gerry, "I don't kno im at all, at all, jus eard o him, Why ? War appened ?",
Bernie tells him, "He were shot Dead as a Rat las nigh, Our Karen's friends sister
sen it ou er bedroom window, some Fiend in Black Army Kak's snuck up on im
ouside is own Gaff n Shot im, Real Pro-loike, Two n de chest n One n de Head".
"Wow !" sez Gerry, "Did de catch the Shooter ?".
"No, de Fookin didn't", Bernie tells him, "Locals reckon it's a big Cover-up,
the Ragz reporting it as a heart-attack n he being Cremated dis after, bur he
wuz allis up to sumit dat kount n he smelt loike Shite", she laughed in a Cackle.
Gerry dropped her off close to her home and got out to help her out of his Tractor,
he couldn't help himself, but to have a right Good Feel-up as he helped her out,
Bernie pushed him off, "Will ya Bleeding leave it oh, wa will de neighber's tink o me",
she flicked her hair back over her shoulder and clomped her way back to her flat
with a Smug grin on her Face, hoping that all her neighbours had seen Gerry
trying to Grope her, because she was in her mind, such a Sexual Beauty !

As soon as Gerry had fled the Gay men's apartment a few days earlier, the Gay's
had obviously called the Gardai immediately. Two Gardai arrived at the Basement flat
and the two gay's were Squealing 'Nineteen to the Dozen'. They showed the Guards
the bullet hole in the wall that had gone through poor ol Marilyn's forehead,
the Guards had retrieved the bullet from the wall mystified by the shape and size of
the bullet, which looked to them to be something from the First World War !
The Garda in charge at the scene was ferviously scribbling in his notepad as the
two gays revealed their tale of horror about Beating's and attempted Murder.
Eventually the Gardai calmed the two men telling them Every Possible Avenue
would be Investigated in Full and Every Resource in their power would be Employed.
The two Gardai after about an hour left the basement flat and drove to a Topaz
station around the corner, the Guard in charge pulled out the notebook on which
he had been taking notes, tore off the top page with all his notes on it and handed
it to his Junior colleague, it Read;
"Bacon n Cheese baguette wiv ex Mayo + 2 Doughnuts" !.
Back at the station, the Guard rang one his 'Snitches', Ronnie the Rat,
as his patch was the closest to the incident, the Guard asked Ronnie,
"You know anything about de two Fags getting a 'Queer Bashing' last night ?",
Ronnie replies, "Ain't heard nuting abo it yet anyways",
Guard sez, "Alrigh, keep ur ear to de ground fer me, OK ?",
Ronnie asks, "Was in it fer me ?,
Guard tells him, "Be de Standard Fifty if we get a Sentence",
Ronnie sez, "Heard dere wer a Shooter involved, make it a Ton ?"
Guard, "Thought you 'Heard Nuting Yet' about it ?",
Ronnie, "Ah's jus sayin, isnalls "
Guard, "Be de Standard Fifty, only two Fags anysways, Call me",
And Hangs up.
The Garda picks up his printed incident sheet, that was printed out for him to
go the the crime scene, scribbles a few remarks on it, mostly indecipherable,
so as it could be translated anyway he wished at a later date, takes his
favourite Red ink stamper out of his desk drawer and stamps the papers,
puts the papers in an envelope, puts the envelope in to a huge Filling
Cabinet and set's about his Bacon & Cheese baguette.
Later that afternoon, the 'Great Unwashed' gets another unexpected call to
his seemingly untraceable nua Tesco mobile,
"Hi yiz Gerry, dis is Ronnie, Ronnie the Rat".
Gerry replies, "Ouse da doin Ronnie ?, Ya still Clean ?,
Where da Bleedin Hell ya get dis Number from ?".
"Il be askin de Questions", Ronnie sternly tells him.
Ronnie is an Ex-Alki, Ex-Gead head, Multiple Ex-Con with a String of
Ex-Girlfriends & Childer all over the city, eventually at Forty he kicked
the Drink and Gear and decided to 'Go Straight' as a Rat.
He had a Knack for getting information out of people, (Without torturing them).
He put his Skills on the street daily, when he had something 'Juicy', he would
either sell it to the Gardai or the Press, whomever he thought would pay more.
He knew that the Press would never investigate him as long as he was alive.
Why would they Kill their own reliable 'Golden Goose' ?
He had Rules for himself, Strict rules, that he adhered to,
Never let the Press know his true Identity, (Gardai obviously knew it).
Never Grass a Friend, (But also never pass out on an Opportunity).
Never meet any Press or Guards that he sold information to, payments were
to be made in envelopes dropped in to pubs or shops for him to collect.
Never Back-up his information or Testify.
Any non-payment would result in Business Termination, (Everyone always paid).
Ronnie had a massive network of under-informers or 'Mice' as he liked to call
them, everyday ol Joes who would pass on the 'Word on the Street' to Ronnie.
Any of the Locals passing on imfo would get a few Pints or a small Fix or even
maybe a Tenner, That's where Ronnie's Cruel streak came in, he had to be
Ruthless in a Ruthless game. Anyone passing on Dud imfo for a reward would
take a terrible beating from Ronnie's Enforcer and Minder, 'Tiny de Pole'.
Ronnie disliked Violence, but Order had to be kept, Everyone Knew de Story.

Ronnie tells Gerry on the phone,
"Eard u ad a biv o Bother wiv a few Fags de udder nigh, Shooter n all",
Gerry Quivers back on the phone "Naw, Not Me at all, I dun Nuthing ",
Ronnie explains it to him, "Iv eard different n de Filth been on de Dog ta me
ta finger ya, de is offerin me a Ton n a half fer de Grass-up". (A White Lie.)
Gerry Quivers Deeper, "Ur na gonna Grass on ur ol mate r ya Ronnie ?".
Ronnie, "I Hope Not, maybe ud Look after me ?".
Gerry, "Sure, Sure, get yiz a Free Joe anytime ya like n I know a Big Burd
in de Flats da could look after ur Needs, ya kno wa I mean !".
Ronnie, "Yere Not getting it at all ar yiz, ya Fookin Muppet,
I need the Shadz Bung n Fifty percent on top a da, n even a da, I still might
git 'Tiny de Pole' to Do yiz Over fer acting Fookin Stopid wiv me".
Gerry contemplates the 'Poor Mouth' speech, but refrains, he has seen 'Tiny',
"OK", he sez, "But, do us a favor, dere's a Kount down in Cork, will yiz drop him
in de Soup fer me n we haz a Deal,
Ronnie, "Soz Bud, No Can Do, a mate a mine Tommy 'No-Balls' sent the Shadz
on a Wild Goose Chase a few year back, he still Walks wiv a Limp n haz a Twitch
n hiz eye to dis day n he has No Balls !, You Drop me Two n a Quarter in ta de Cat
today n we is Finished, Unless ya Fook up again, ye hear No more from de Shadz".
"OK, Right" sez Gerry, but being de hungry degenerate that he is, tries to milk a
tiny last sup out of it, "Be sur n Leave a Pint behind de Counter fer me so",
Ronnie sez, "Il leave yiz a Quart, n stay de Fook aways from me ya Bent Kount",
And Hangs up.

Big Bernie.

Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #8 on: February 18, 2013, 08:40:48 AM »
'Bird' = Prison time.
'Tit-Nipplin' = A lady feeling the cold on her Breast Nipples.
'Crack' = Anus.
'Hairy-aped' = Raped.


The Great Unwashed Finale. Part 8.

Ronnie's words haunted Gerry for the rest of the day,
"Unless u Fook up again, ye hear No more from de Shadz".
Gerry wanted his Compo money for being injured by the Liffey explosion.
He thought long and hard about it for Five minutes, the fact that his nose injury
did Not actually occur in the incident or the fact that it was he himself who
had caused the explosion never entered his head. He knew Arson carried a
decent sentence and he didn't fancy doing any more 'Bird' in the 'Joy'.
He decided to himself or rather he shite himself out, to discontinue his claim
and try to distance himself from the event, after all, he was the first man on
the scene and that never looked well in any of the C.S.I. programs that he had
watched on T.V. He guessed that the Gardai might do a Toxicology test on the
River Water.  He was close on that point, in fact the Gardai had recruited
specialists in explosives from all over the world to help identify the Explosion.
Completely unawares of any of this, Gerry's G-Buck had been so crude,
that is was almost impossible to trace it back to him.

Gerry drives over to the Cat & Cage pub to pay his Hush money that evening,
Ronnie had been as good as his word and left two Pints behind the bar for him,
while he was in the pub, Tony rang him on his Blackberry, Gerry tried to answer
the call but cut it off instead, he had found the Blackberry a week earlier in his
cab, taken out the Sim card, cleared all the memory & messages, etc and
put in his own Sim card, it worked a treat, only problem was that he could Not
understand the workings of the phone, he kept thinking to himself,
'Tis only a matter o gettin de Hang o it', but a week later, 'De Hang o it',
still wasn't coming. The Blackberry was a Businessman's phone marketed at
Intelligent people, while Gerry was indeed a Businessman, few referred to him
as Intelligent. So he did as he had done so many times in the last week, took
the Sim out of the Blackberry, put it back in to his old Nokia and rang Tony back.
Tony asked him if he was going for a few scoops in the 'Towers' later on,
Gerry had every intention of going for a few scoops in the Towers that night,
because Gerry had a few scoops in the Towers almost every night,
he had his own Spot there, his own Stool, he liked to think of himself there
as 'Norm' from the T.V. series 'Cheers'. Everyone else in the Towers thought
of him as the painful postman 'Cliff Clavin'.

Gerry didn't want to meet Tony, Ever again ! But he knew he couldn't put him
off forever so he agreed to meet him and hopefully find out what Tony knew
about the night at the Cat and at the Basement apartment after,
and maybe fill in a few or even a lot of 'Blanks' that were missing for him.
He finished his Quart in the Cat and left his 'Two'n'abit' in an envelope with
the barman, his mind was again racing uncontrollably about his meeting later on.
Tony knew most of the story about what happened in the apartment because
the Gay man had rang him.
The Elder Bald Gay man had rang Tony shortly after putting Gerry to bed,
because Gerry had been roaring obscenities out loud in his sleep,
"Il get dat Cork Kount, if it's de las Fookin ting I do, da Fookin Langer !", Etc...
Gerry's ranting had alarmed the Gay man, so he took Gerry's phone and
went to 'Recently dialled numbers'. Tony was top of the List so he rang him
telling him of Gerry's predicament. Tony's phone was on Loudspeaker when
he rang and Tony had Two young Eastern European girls in his Tranny who
were also hearing the conversation. Tony told him that he would finish his
Fare and be straight over and hung up.
The Two very lovely Young girls said to Tony, "You must go straight away,
we come with you, your friend need you, we will wait".
Tony agreed Not knowing that in fact the two girls were both Ukrainian
'Lap Dancers' and Prostitutes hoping to score a Last Trick of the night.
While Tony was driving over to Gerry, Clive as he had introduced himself
on the phone to Tony, had gone in to Gerry's bedroom to comfort him,
he had brought him a drink to settle him, a large Jack n Coke and had
taken the liberty of slipping in Two yokes & half a Viagra tab,
Gerry woke as Clive sat on the bed next to him and welcomed the drink,
downing it in one and collapsing back into sleep, Clive left him and went
out to the Dining room/Kitchen area, within a minute Clive heard singing
from the bedroom, Loud singing,
"The Runaway Train came down de Track n he BLEW !!.
Tony pulled up outside in his cab with the Two blonde girls, telling them that
they could stay in the van or come in, the girls already had their coats off,
"Wow !" sez Tony, as he see's the newly transformed girls without their
coats on, both had Large breasts, just a little bit bigger than they should have
been for the size of their bodies, one girl wore Skintight Black leatherette
leggings and high heels, she had a white satin blouse on with at least
three buttons too many open at the front. The the other girl wore tight denim
jeans and a tight pink t-shirt with an unbelievably low-cut top, Tony tried to
look away, he reckoned that the girl in the Pink top was feeling the chill outside.
The Girls followed Tony to the basement apartment door,
Clive ushered them all in as fast as he possibly could.
At this stage a Semi-naked, Polar white Gerry was Dancing and Prancing
around the Dining room area, dressed only in his 'Million washed' grey'ish
white Y-fronts and Black cowboy boots, Singing at the top of his voice,
"Saddle up n Ride ur Pony, Bring it down on me Bernie !"
"I'm de Luv Ranger, Don'na be a Stranger !"

Tony and the Two Ukrainian Prozzies stood in Shock inside the Doorway,
all Three, Frozen Solid at what they saw, with their mouths agape !
Tony was the first to react, he pulled out his smartphone and called Marto.

Tony told Marto the story on the 'Dog n Bone',
Marto told Tony he'd be over shortly.

Tony approached a Mad, Dancing, Singing Gerry, in an attempt to calm him,
but Gerry was 'In the Groove', Tripping big time and Not in the mood to be
stopped, until he saw the Two Blonde Beauties in front of him, he stopped
his Dancing and his Y-fronts expanded at the front to a Phenomenal size, the
half Viagra tab that Clive had slipped in to his Jack n coke was working wonders,
Gerry looked down, he had never seen his own manhood at this strength before.
He wiggled his chemically enlarged wobbly bit Proudly in front of the Girls,
then ran off to the bedroom, grabbed his purple corduroys and took out an
envelope marked 'SGS' from the back pocket, threw his pants in to a corner
and went back to the girls, he tore open the envelope with his teeth and
said to the girls, "Wa will I get fer me 125Euro ?",
The girl in the White blouse took his money from him, pocketed it and said,
"Whatever u want Big Boy !", she led him by the Pecker in to the bedroom,
the other girl in the Pink t-shirt followed and closed the door behind her.
That was Gerry's SGS Taxi test money now on the way to Kiev !
Tony was left outside alone with Clive. Clive offered Tony a cup of tea and
Tony accepted his offer as he had nowhere else to go, his Fare was at work
and his mate was at, whatever his mate was at !!
Clive started talking about the Dublin footballers, seemingly Clive was a huge
GAA supporter and had been to every match, League & Championship for the
past Twenty years, Tony himself being a big Dub supporter and also a tad on
the Homophobic side questioned Clive pleasantly but Intensely. Clive answered
every question Tony put to him and added on to most, Tony was enjoying the
conversation as it was all about his Beloved 'Dubs', very soon he was after
forgetting that he was chatting with an actual Gay man, at one stage Clive had
been making a Point about Paddy Cullen, Tony reached over and Slapped him
on the shoulder in admiration of his point, Tony quickly withdrew his hand,
realising that he had Touched a Gay man, Clive noticed it, and said,
"Look, you didn't even Die !", Tony was embarrassed for insulting him,
he felt his face start to Redden, but Gerry came to his rescue, creating a Diversion
by roaring out loud from the bedroom;
"Saddle up n ride me Pony",
"Saddle up n make de Dust Fly"
"Sit around n u will jus Cry"
"Saddle up Dat Hoe, n Ride Like HELL !!"

Both Tony and Clive had a peep through the keyhole of the bedroom door
to see Gerry in Full Swing, both fell backwards in convulsions of Laughter.
A few minutes later, all went quiet again, then a Knock at the Front door,
it was Marto. Tony filled him in on the story so far, telling him that he would
have to go with his Fare shortly and asking Marto to look out for Gerry.
"No Worries" sez Marto, "Anything in er ta eat ?"
Clive points him in to the kitchen area telling him,
"There's not much there, but make yourself at home",
Marto has a good root around and finds an ol pack of Tayto and Two heels
of bread, he also finds a Tube of Sauce next to the Tomato Ketchup,
called 'Atomic Pepper Sauce', he takes it out and reads the label,
at the bottom of the tube is a Warning which read;
Marto makes a Tayto sandwich with the two Heels and adds a decent dollop
of Atomic Pepper sauce to his creation, BIG Mistake, one bite in and he is
running for water to cool his mouth, Marto spends the next three minutes
with his tongue under the cold tap in the kitchen.
Marto tells Tony the story about FDS,
Tony sez to him, "Typical o dat Jammy Begger, yiz Couldn't Kill dat Kount !"
The bedroom door opens and the Two girls walk out Naked, hoping to maybe
entice another client, Tony and Martos eyes nearly pop outta their heads,
Marto stands at the kitchen sink Frozen with his mouth open wide and Tony
dribbles on the kitchen table as the girls dress seductively in front of them.
Neither of the Lads were willing to part wiv their Hard-earned though as both
had done a 'Booty call' earlier in the Afternoon, so the 'Bags' were stable.
Tony is still sat next to Clive at the kitchen table, from his vantage point he
can see Gerry staggering around in the bedroom, he can't help but to notice
Gerry's enlarged Penis dangling in-between his legs, Red Raw and Battered,
seemingly the Two Ukrainian girls had been Merciless with him !
As the girls had left the bedroom naked, the girl in the Pink top had scooped up
Gerry's Y-fronts and put them in her handbag, 'Strange', Tony had thought.
Tony leaves with the Two girls, telling Marto to look after Gerry,
as they are leaving another Man is coming in, a younger man about 25.
Clive proudly does all the introductions, "This is my Partner Chiltern",
then Clive snigger's, "But I jus call him 'Chil' for short, n He's Not Short !"
Tony thinks to himself, 'Ah, will ya Leave it Bleedin ou !'.
Tony loads the Two girls in to his Tranny and drives off.
Curiosity is getting the better of Tony, he sez to the 'Tit-Nipplin' girl in Pink,
"Wat ur wan ta rob Gerry's onderpants fer ?",
She tell's him, "I have Mouse living in cupboard under stair in my flat,
I think that if put Smelly underwear in cupboard, Mouse will Leave !".
Tony laughs out loud. But then he wonders to himself about his own home,
he had often heard his neighbours complain about mice in their homes,
but he had never ever had a mouse in his own house, also he reckoned that
sometimes an odd pair of his old underpants had disappeared in the wash.
Marto is left behind with Clive and Chiltern, he is very uncomfortable in their
company, he wants OUT, but he can't go off and just leave Gerry in the hands
of two Homo's, he has a Brain-Storming idea. Now Marto is actually a Nordie,
he does Not see Pain and Punishment the same way as most of us see it.
Marto goes to the kitchen, gets the tube of Atomic Pepper Sauce, strides in to
the bedroom, where Gerry is sound asleep and snoring like a stuck pig with
his big White Hairy Arse sticking up in the air.
Marto applies a very liberal supply of Atomic Pepper Sauce to Gerry's Posterior
and a Quick Squirt in to his Crack, he leaves the bedroom and points his finger at
the Two Gay ladz and says "Right, Iv plugged im full of Atomic Pepper Sauce,
if either of youse Kounts go at him, Il Fookin know and ye will know I know".
Marto slap's Clive across his bald head as he leaves.
Clive was worried about Gerry, so he went in an hour later to check on him,
Gerry's posterior was bubbling in red sores from the Atomic pepper sauce,
Clive wiped most of it off with Kitchen roll, then applied the only cream he had
in the house, W.D.40 to his wounded Bottom.
Gerry had taken the Men's Main and only bedroom, so Clive got the Couch
and Chiltern got to sleep on the dining room floor in a sleeping bag.
Gerry went off to the Towers Pub that evening to meet up with Tony,
he had always liked meeting Tony. The duo over the years had many a Highly
Unintelligent conversation in there. Gerry reckoned when they were together
that they made an Awzum pairings and likened Himself and Tony to
'Butch Cassidy & the Sundance Kid',
Everyone else in the Pub likened them to 'Dumb and Dumber' !

But tonight Gerry was very apprehensive about the meeting, Tony was sat
at the bar when he arrived and soon Tony was spinning out the full story
to him, Gerry was laughing and nodding and pretending for all that he was
worth that he remembered everything that Tony was telling him.
Gerry had No recollection of the Prostitutes at all, Clive's Two Yokes had seen
to that and he wanted to hear more of that tale, but he dared not ask any
questions, for fear of being Found out. And he didn't want Tony knowing
about the Napalm or the Spud-gun either. The night passed off quietly and
the Two lads went on their separate ways home.
Gerry was very pleased with the result, mostly because he had just found out
that he hadn't been Hairy-aped at all.

The next day Gerry got down to some serious thinking about it,
financially he hadn't done too bad, he had made a Deuce on the Spud-gun deal,
paid Ronnie the Rat Two' n a Quarter, gave the prozzies his 125 SGS money
and gave Bernie an Afe, so he was only out of pocket a Deuce.
He hadn't managed to Kill the Gay men and had paid his Hush-money there.
He'd given up his Compo claim to avoid the Arson charge.
Jimmy the Skunk had been killed, he had no idea what that was all about,
but on the overall, it hadn't turned out too bad at all !.

Later that evening, Gerry's 'Hen' was in the front room watching T.V.
Gerry was in the kitchen quietly eating sandwiches taken from Childers
school lunchboxes that were meant for the next school day.
Gerry's Hen was always a step ahead of Gerry, she knew he did this regularly
and usually put the Scrapping from the Dinner or some of the Dog's Meaty Chum
in to the Sandwiches for him.

She shout's in to the kitchen to Gerry, "How much is Four Million Dollars, Ger?",
she knew Gerry was a Whizz at Figures and all that Financial stuff, cos he was
a Taxi Driver. Gerry also prided himself on his own Mathematical skills,
he shouts back, "Abo Six Million Euro",
his Hen sez to him, "Lookit a dis on de News, some ol English fella sold an
ol 'Ra' gun to one e dem Kennedy families in de States fer Four Million dollars,
C'mere look, theres a picture of it on de telly".

Gerry walks in to the front room, see's the image on the telly,
his eye's roll up in to his forehead and he Pan's out cold on the Floor !


Offline silverbullet

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #9 on: February 18, 2013, 07:21:56 PM »
Took me ages to scroll through that. 8)

Offline Rat Catcher

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2013, 09:26:19 PM »
Too tired to read it meself, was up at 4 this morning, will have aa good read of it during the week, time permitting.

Offline hippocampus

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #11 on: February 19, 2013, 07:15:39 AM »
Ah Ken you need to brush up on your Dooblin boozers.....the cat and cage only serves budding strokers, not GAA fans..... lol
Good while it lasted.

Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #12 on: February 19, 2013, 11:19:32 AM »
Took me ages to scroll through that. 8)

At least now you can tell ur friends that you actually read something
that didn't have a topless girl on page 3 !

At the greatest risk of asking,
what did u think of it Silverbullet ?

Offline Silver Fox

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #13 on: February 19, 2013, 11:26:40 AM »
Ah Ken you need to brush up on your Dooblin boozers.....the cat and cage only serves budding strokers, not GAA fans..... lol

Sorry Hippo,
Das de only Dub pub I know, met a few Dub muckers dat worked dere,
way back over in Italia 90, good craic de were too.

Offline silverbullet

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Re: The Great Unwashed !
« Reply #14 on: February 19, 2013, 07:59:44 PM »
Took me ages to scroll through that. 8)

At least now you can tell ur friends that you actually read something
that didn't have a topless girl on page 3 !

At the greatest risk of asking,
what did u think of it Silverbullet ?
You should definitely add it to your next volume.