'Trummer' = Three Hundred Euro.
'Two by One' = A common lenght of Timber measuring Two Inches by One.
'Gear-Head' = Heroin user.
'Filth' = Gardai.
'Dog' = Phone, (ie. Dog and Bone = Phone).
'Ton n a Half' = One Hundred and Fifty Euro.
'Joe' = A Taxi.
'Bung' = Pay-Off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Great Unwashed. Part 7.
As Gerry's lies in his hospital bed his nua Tesco mobile phone rang ,
he answers it, it was Jimmy the Skunk,
"How's ya doing Gerry, tell miz dis, Ya still ga da single shooter I gave yiz ?",
"I haz it er somewhere's", Gerry tells him
(Trying hard to suss where this conversation was going),
"Good, Good", sez Jimmy "Tell ya wa, seeing as ur a ol pal of Tommy's,
il swap it for ya n give yiz de good new Revolver, How's da ?".
Gerry can't figure out for the world what Jimmy would want with the Spud-gun,
but if he could sell it back and make a profit, that would be just Hunky-Dory,
so he tells Jimmy, "Iv me Job done wiv it, I donna need it anymores, but il
take de Monkey rather dan de Revolver, how bout da ?",
Jimmy sez "Ah, will ya leave it bleeding ou !, il give yiz a Trummer",
Gerry is delighted, but as always greed gets the better of him,
"Lookit, split it, gis Four notes n we haz a deal", Jimmy agrees and the pair
arrange to meet again in the children's play park the next day.
After Gerry is discharged later that evening he goes home, some Shade
had driven his Tractor home for him, he takes out the old Spun-gun from
under the front seat and takes it to his Lab to examine it more carefully,
he sees a very old battered inscription on the side of the barrel that
looked like it had been done by some amateur inscriber with a hammer & chisel,
it read "I R D 1867" the D was grazed and hard to make out, maybe it was a B.
Gerry laughs to himself "De Fookin thing is 150 fookin years old !". He puts the
old Spud-gun and the few spare bullets back in to the brown paper bag.
The next day he goes off to meet Jimmy the Skunk in the play park, this time
checking the direction of the wind, so as to be sure to stay upwind from his
nua business partner, he sits down on a park bench next to Jimmy and sez
"Yiz got de readies ?", Jimmy sez, "Yea, a Trummer wasn't it ?",
"No, it Fookin wasn't", sez Gerry, "It's Four, iv me Hen sitting waiting a home
wiv de childer, de all starvin and I owe Big Bernie fer two rides n im Brassick !",
Jimmy sez to him, "Alrigh, Alrigh, keep ur fookin Knickers on, ers ur Four",
Gerry takes the Four and hands over the brown bag also telling Jimmy that,
"It had been Fired once, but no one was hit".
Then Gerry asks, "By de way, Wat de yer want dat Manky ol Ting fer ?"
Jimmy tells him as he gets up to leave,
"Ah, an ol fella I know wuz interested in antique guns".
Which to be fair, wasn't too far from the truth, in fact Jimmy had been to an
Antiques road show the previous weekend and had seen an ol fella examining
antique guns in a stall, the ol fella was part of the show, one of the dealers,
he was an English gent complete with Whiskers, Dicky-bow and tiny spectacles
which hung on the end of his nose and a very Elegant Tone in his accent,
Jimmy went up to him and started telling him about the old Spud-gun,
the Englishman introduced himself to Jimmy as 'Richardson', Jimmy sez to him,
"Yea, Pleased ta meet ya Mr Richardson, Im Jimmy de Skunk !",
The English gent replies to him in a most Patronising elegant tone,
"No, No James, it's Not Mr Richardson, Richardson is my Christian name, R
nodberry is my full name, but my chum's just
call me Richardson", Jimmy sees his initials and sez to him,
"Betcha ga sum Slagging in School wiv dose Intials Richie !",
Richardson replies in a Huff tone, "I went to ETON James, we didn't do Slagging".
Jimmy throws his eyes to heaven and then goes on about the gun describing
the Making's and Design of it, the English gent's eyes were getting bigger
as Jimmy continued to talk, "Id reckon it wuz prob part of dat Irish Republican
Brotherhood thing u kno, around about the old Fenian times u kno",
Richardson asked him, "Is there any marking's or inscriptions on the Weapon ?",
Jimmy sez, "Yea, dere's a birra scribble on one side o da barrel dat reads I R D
or maybe I R B 1867". Richardson closes his stall abruptly and usher's Jimmy
off in to a private meeting room, Jimmy is surprised but he goes along with it,
half-thinking to himself, 'This is a Fookin Wind-Up ere n All !'.
Once inside the private room, Richardson's nose starts to twitch,
he asks Jimmy, "Do you get a Displeasing odour in here James ?",
Jimmy sez to him, "Naw Richie, I ga a Belt of a 'Two by One' across me Snoz
as a Nipper in Ballyer, ain't never smelt a thing since !".
Richardson takes a seat and invites Jimmy to be seated, Richardson's
demeanour had changed once inside the room from Pleasant to Very Serious,
he questions Jimmy, "Do you really have this Weapon Sir ?",
"Yea, os course I has it", Jimmy sez,
Richardson continues, "Is it decent working condition ?"
"Yea", sez Jimmy, "Nearly blew Marilyn Monroe's brains out de udder nigh !",
Richardson doesn't understand that, but just moves on to say,
"If you do really have this weapon, then you must mind it very carefully or better
still, put it in to a Bank safety deposit box", Jimmy stops him there in his tracks,
"Wha ya sayin here Gramp's ?, Is it worth a few bob or wa ?",
"Worth a few bob !", Richardson laughs out loud,
"Dear Man, It is absolutely Fukcing Priceless, have you any idea of what a
wealthy Irish-American Dynasty would pay for such a Prize ?,
You can name your own price James !",
"Or my advice, seeing as your a young man, would be, to sit on it for three years
until the Centenary of 1916 and then you could Name your Price and Double it !".
Jimmy feeling Slightly Faint gets up to leave. Jimmy is a big lad and Richardson
is small in stature, Richardson grabs him by the arm saying,
"No, No James, you can't leave a while, I must take down your details",
Jimmy angrily shakes his arm free,
"Fook off Sassenach, yiz kount's don't hold us Prisoner no more",
Jimmy floats 'Walking on air' out of the building, thinking to himself,
'How Lucky it was dat, it wuz the Muppet Gerry, he had sold the gun to !'.
The next morning Gerry drives off in his Tractor nua from his home, still with his
Four notes in his pocket, he see's his 'Birra on de Side' Big Bernie standing at His
street corner in her Pink Trackie and just after getting out of a yellow HailO cab.
Bernie is a Big Lass about Twenty stone, Long Black hair, always wears a Trackie.
He pulled in next to her and Adamantly tells her to "Sit in" to his Tractor nua,
he does Not want Big Bernie anywhere near his Hen or his Home, he pushes
the Front seat forward to allow her more space in the back.
Big Bernie has always like to sit in the back, she thought it more Fashionable
and Ladylike, Truth be told, she does Not fit in the Front Seat anymore !.
Gerry asks her "Wa ya bleeding doin ou here ? Me Mot av a Fit if'n she seen yiz",
Bernie tell's him "Iv cum fer me Money, ya oweses me fer de las Two Rides !",
"Alrigh, alrigh", sez Gerry, "Lookit deres an Afe, me Luv", and hands her a
Fifty Euro note, Big Bernie is well pleased wiv de Dosh and tells him
"Yiz know im nor on de game, but I is still ga bills ta pay too, ya kno".
Bernie had always prided herself on Not being a Prostitute, a Big Brag in her
part of town, once she had stood on a street corner for Three hours without
enticing a client, but she never told anyone this, so in her mind it never happened.
Many other people said Nasty things about her, some called her 'Yum Yum' as a
Rumour had once spread that after she had orally satisfied a male friend of her's,
she had remarked, "Yum, Yum, I Luv Cum !", but she had always said that,
that Slutty rumour was "A load a Lies", Gerry although Knew Better !
Another nasty Rumour was that she had so many 'Fat Folds' she was able to
satisfy half a Garrison of Soldiers at the same time !.
Gerry had spent many Short afternoons in Bernie's Clutches, he Adored her
and she knew how to 'Rock his Boat', she was genuinely Fond of Gerry and
she allowed him to have 'His Way' with her if he gave her a few quid as a 'Present'.
Gerry had often wondered, had he Ever Actually Penetrated Big Bernie,
he would get on top of her and find some Nook or Cranny to Pump, as soon as
Bernie felt him Humping in a Niche, she would Sing his Favourite song to him
"De Runaway Train came down de Track n He Blew !",
"De Runaway Train came down de Track n He Blew !, He Blew !",
Gerry had No resistance to his Fantasy and Seldom made it beyond the 2nd Verse !
Gerry drives her home, along the way She says,
"Yiz hear abo Jimmy de Skunk las Nigh, yiz knew him din ya ?",
"Naw",sez Gerry, "I don't kno im at all, at all, jus eard o him, Why ? War appened ?",
Bernie tells him, "He were shot Dead as a Rat las nigh, Our Karen's friends sister
sen it ou er bedroom window, some Fiend in Black Army Kak's snuck up on im
ouside is own Gaff n Shot im, Real Pro-loike, Two n de chest n One n de Head".
"Wow !" sez Gerry, "Did de catch the Shooter ?".
"No, de Fookin didn't", Bernie tells him, "Locals reckon it's a big Cover-up,
the Ragz reporting it as a heart-attack n he being Cremated dis after, bur he
wuz allis up to sumit dat kount n he smelt loike Shite", she laughed in a Cackle.
Gerry dropped her off close to her home and got out to help her out of his Tractor,
he couldn't help himself, but to have a right Good Feel-up as he helped her out,
Bernie pushed him off, "Will ya Bleeding leave it oh, wa will de neighber's tink o me",
she flicked her hair back over her shoulder and clomped her way back to her flat
with a Smug grin on her Face, hoping that all her neighbours had seen Gerry
trying to Grope her, because she was in her mind, such a Sexual Beauty !
As soon as Gerry had fled the Gay men's apartment a few days earlier, the Gay's
had obviously called the Gardai immediately. Two Gardai arrived at the Basement flat
and the two gay's were Squealing 'Nineteen to the Dozen'. They showed the Guards
the bullet hole in the wall that had gone through poor ol Marilyn's forehead,
the Guards had retrieved the bullet from the wall mystified by the shape and size of
the bullet, which looked to them to be something from the First World War !
The Garda in charge at the scene was ferviously scribbling in his notepad as the
two gays revealed their tale of horror about Beating's and attempted Murder.
Eventually the Gardai calmed the two men telling them Every Possible Avenue
would be Investigated in Full and Every Resource in their power would be Employed.
The two Gardai after about an hour left the basement flat and drove to a Topaz
station around the corner, the Guard in charge pulled out the notebook on which
he had been taking notes, tore off the top page with all his notes on it and handed
it to his Junior colleague, it Read;
"Bacon n Cheese baguette wiv ex Mayo + 2 Doughnuts" !.
Back at the station, the Guard rang one his 'Snitches', Ronnie the Rat,
as his patch was the closest to the incident, the Guard asked Ronnie,
"You know anything about de two Fags getting a 'Queer Bashing' last night ?",
Ronnie replies, "Ain't heard nuting abo it yet anyways",
Guard sez, "Alrigh, keep ur ear to de ground fer me, OK ?",
Ronnie asks, "Was in it fer me ?,
Guard tells him, "Be de Standard Fifty if we get a Sentence",
Ronnie sez, "Heard dere wer a Shooter involved, make it a Ton ?"
Guard, "Thought you 'Heard Nuting Yet' about it ?",
Ronnie, "Ah's jus sayin, isnalls "
Guard, "Be de Standard Fifty, only two Fags anysways, Call me",
And Hangs up.
The Garda picks up his printed incident sheet, that was printed out for him to
go the the crime scene, scribbles a few remarks on it, mostly indecipherable,
so as it could be translated anyway he wished at a later date, takes his
favourite Red ink stamper out of his desk drawer and stamps the papers,
"CASE OPEN. INVESTIGATED IN FULL WITH EVERY RESOURCE",
puts the papers in an envelope, puts the envelope in to a huge Filling
Cabinet and set's about his Bacon & Cheese baguette.
Later that afternoon, the 'Great Unwashed' gets another unexpected call to
his seemingly untraceable nua Tesco mobile,
"Hi yiz Gerry, dis is Ronnie, Ronnie the Rat".
Gerry replies, "Ouse da doin Ronnie ?, Ya still Clean ?,
Where da Bleedin Hell ya get dis Number from ?".
"Il be askin de Questions", Ronnie sternly tells him.
Ronnie is an Ex-Alki, Ex-Gead head, Multiple Ex-Con with a String of
Ex-Girlfriends & Childer all over the city, eventually at Forty he kicked
the Drink and Gear and decided to 'Go Straight' as a Rat.
He had a Knack for getting information out of people, (Without torturing them).
He put his Skills on the street daily, when he had something 'Juicy', he would
either sell it to the Gardai or the Press, whomever he thought would pay more.
He knew that the Press would never investigate him as long as he was alive.
Why would they Kill their own reliable 'Golden Goose' ?
He had Rules for himself, Strict rules, that he adhered to,
Never let the Press know his true Identity, (Gardai obviously knew it).
Never Grass a Friend, (But also never pass out on an Opportunity).
Never meet any Press or Guards that he sold information to, payments were
to be made in envelopes dropped in to pubs or shops for him to collect.
Never Back-up his information or Testify.
Any non-payment would result in Business Termination, (Everyone always paid).
Ronnie had a massive network of under-informers or 'Mice' as he liked to call
them, everyday ol Joes who would pass on the 'Word on the Street' to Ronnie.
Any of the Locals passing on imfo would get a few Pints or a small Fix or even
maybe a Tenner, That's where Ronnie's Cruel streak came in, he had to be
Ruthless in a Ruthless game. Anyone passing on Dud imfo for a reward would
take a terrible beating from Ronnie's Enforcer and Minder, 'Tiny de Pole'.
Ronnie disliked Violence, but Order had to be kept, Everyone Knew de Story.
Ronnie tells Gerry on the phone,
"Eard u ad a biv o Bother wiv a few Fags de udder nigh, Shooter n all",
Gerry Quivers back on the phone "Naw, Not Me at all, I dun Nuthing ",
Ronnie explains it to him, "Iv eard different n de Filth been on de Dog ta me
ta finger ya, de is offerin me a Ton n a half fer de Grass-up". (A White Lie.)
Gerry Quivers Deeper, "Ur na gonna Grass on ur ol mate r ya Ronnie ?".
Ronnie, "I Hope Not, maybe ud Look after me ?".
Gerry, "Sure, Sure, get yiz a Free Joe anytime ya like n I know a Big Burd
in de Flats da could look after ur Needs, ya kno wa I mean !".
Ronnie, "Yere Not getting it at all ar yiz, ya Fookin Muppet,
I need the Shadz Bung n Fifty percent on top a da, n even a da, I still might
git 'Tiny de Pole' to Do yiz Over fer acting Fookin Stopid wiv me".
Gerry contemplates the 'Poor Mouth' speech, but refrains, he has seen 'Tiny',
"OK", he sez, "But, do us a favor, dere's a Kount down in Cork, will yiz drop him
in de Soup fer me n we haz a Deal,
Ronnie, "Soz Bud, No Can Do, a mate a mine Tommy 'No-Balls' sent the Shadz
on a Wild Goose Chase a few year back, he still Walks wiv a Limp n haz a Twitch
n hiz eye to dis day n he has No Balls !, You Drop me Two n a Quarter in ta de Cat
today n we is Finished, Unless ya Fook up again, ye hear No more from de Shadz".
"OK, Right" sez Gerry, but being de hungry degenerate that he is, tries to milk a
tiny last sup out of it, "Be sur n Leave a Pint behind de Counter fer me so",
Ronnie sez, "Il leave yiz a Quart, n stay de Fook aways from me ya Bent Kount",
And Hangs up.