My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,
can you believe that 2:30am? !
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Oriental girl.
I kept thinking to myself,
please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
But She Did !
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
Two old friends are fishing near a bridge. Suddenly a Hearse and two
Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off
his cap and bows his head. When the cars have gone he puts his cap back
on, sits back down and carries on fishing. His mate turns to him and says,
"Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen".
Dave replies, "Well, we were married for nearly 30 years "
Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Sod that" says Mick, "have you seen how many
of their owners go blind"
Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says how do you know?
He says "The sex is the same, but the ironing is building up" !
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that
I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg".
I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that
they're not actually a dating agency.
A man walks into a Welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.
The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him...
"Where are you from? You sound English",
"I'm from across the Severn," replies the man nervously.
"What do you do, just across the Severn?".
"I'm a taxidermist."
"What on earth is one of those?"
"I mount animals."
"Its alright boys," shouts the barman "He's one of us" !
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
New E.U. laws being suggested will prevent Epileptic females
from performing Oral Sex !
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor
standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and
talking behind my back. He says what do you expect?
You’re in a wheel-chair.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said i would like to come back as a cow.
I said your obviously not listening.
Under new E.U. law the word "gypo" is no longer politically correct.
They must be called Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travellers.
Ok work it out for yourself !!
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering
years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
I’m emailing you from the casualty department.
Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was !
